Faith and Finger Noodles

There's something about moving back home after college that just isn't natural. It's like going from 5th gear and independence to 4th, to 3rd, to 2nd, until you are practically coasting. In some ways, I have almost forgotten who I am. My thoughts have been dominated by creating an action plan for my life, finding a great job, and making sense of who I am now and how and why I am even trying to fit in back at home. The way things are I'm sometimes pretty baffled myself about how things turned out. I need wisdom. Jesus once said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." That means Jesus must be Lord of my life first and formost. That's what I'm trying to learn and live out- not to put my concerns first but His. Will He take care of me? Absolutely. He's promised. I'm also starting to get back to my roots as far as my passions and who I really am. There's nothing like moving home back under your parent's roof to get you to forget all the progress you've made as a person (Sorry Mom and Dad). I honestly feel like I'm just now waking up to this, for the first time in eight months. I'm remembering that I wasn't always a dependent shut-in, eating chimmys and watching adult swim. I did that independently. But to be serious, I didn't let my future dominate my present. I used to enjoy things. I used to play guitar for hours until my fingers felt like noodles. I used to watch youtube videos of dimebag darrell and devote hours to trying to learn his solos and seeing how far I could get. I had interests other than finding a job and becoming business casual Tim. While I spend every waking moment looking for a job to fix my life, I can't forget who I am. I can't forget who I am, who my friends are, who my girlfriend is, and most importantly, who sits on the throne of heaven. One of the biggest lies these days is that you are in control of your life. You've heard, "I am the master of my destiny/fate." You're not, because "In HIM, we live and move and have our being." I'm learning that. He jealously wants me to rely on Him, and to realize how much I need Him. I've tried many, many times over the last eight months to tackle life on my own, and it hasn't worked. I've even tried to reason my way through things I have no control over. I guess the point I'm getting at is that we need to trust God in every walk of life. If I went straight to the top of the advertising world tomorrow of my own efforts, how would that grow my relationship and faith in God? And I know enough to know that God has higher priorities than that. Beyond that is where faith comes in. And that's where I am; and it's difficult, and sometimes confusing and frustrating and I am impatient. But I have this feeling that eventually, weeks or months or years from now, I will be giving thanks and rejoicing. And for not only God leading me out of it, but the process itself. I finally have this small, peaceful feeling that everything will be okay.

Dysthymia

Joy, where have you been?

Honesty, to whom it may concern

I can't promise much, except I will fail you. I will let you down, and you will let me down. I will let God down over and over. I'll look to things created for my joy. I'll turn my back on those He bled for, and forget the times we shared and the people we touched. The things I wrote with you and the things we helped each other through.
This is for stubbornness. For letting myself go for months alone rather than forgive a best friend. Can you relate? And for the ridiculousness of going through life pretending.
Also, valuing the image of something rather than the thing itself. I'm sorry for this. There's much I would like to say, but have been advised not to.
I would like to move, but not to travel. Not yet. I would like to be open without fear of consequence. I would like understanding and peace, for myself, and for everyone.
I want Truth. And a silver platter would be nice too... Just ask. It's scary sometimes.
Goodnight.

A Thought

I see the future when I see my dad come home from work and only welcomed by the dog.

"I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me." -Abe Simpson

We all go the same way... and I think about that a lot.

The LORD sustains me.
The LORD sustains me.
The LORD sustains me.

"To be loved, you have to be nice to others, EVERYDAY! To be hated, you don't have to do squat." -Homer Simpson

Let's Go Find Something Real

"From here on out I'm only interested in what is real--real people, real feelings. That's it. That's all I'm interested in. You're real." -Almost Famous

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

Psalm 25:4-6